jan 29 2024. monday

i stayed home today. just had a bad feeling and was also in pain sooooo.

i've been thinking about intentionality a lot recently. about whether self-awareness has any worth at all. and if gullibility and innocence has any value. and i guess looking at things from a 'measuring value' viewpoint might not be the best way for art but oh well humans are judgey creatures arent weeee. my creativity has really petered off this week. like petered into a whole nother dimension. it's hard to stay motivated to do anything! before now i had never had any trouble with remembering to eat but i woke up at 5 am today and had my first meal at 6 pm so so so...

it comforts me that mmy to-do list doesnt run out ever. like at least i'll never be bored innit. one thing i do is include fun things on my to-do list. like crochet and stuff. it matters to me a lot to feel like im in control of everything i do and i guess by having truly selfish tasks self-mandated i feel like . i dont know. like im serving myself a little more than i feel when im doing stuff ive been told to do by other people.

ive been getting scared!

i need to get more active but it's not really safe for me at the momentttt so im out here like starving white woman

honestly i caught myself having thoughts today that i never thought i would

i was talking to someone i know and she said "i wish i could say things get better but they never really do" and i said really? in my experience... they do. like ive gotten out of some really nasty situations you know. and shes like 15 ? years older than me so she said Tell me how you feel about this when youre my age and its like goooooosh no need to be that way about it. i'd hate to think i've reached my peak already. it doesnt seem all that logical...

little kids can be straight up so cool and awesome

these days it seems everyone is intent on making me question all the things i had built my life up around!
not that that's necessarily a bad thing

the things that happened only a few months ago feel like ancient history! also my memory is getting bad. im gonna be real w you things are not looking exciting for cippy and her chances of worldy success. well this isnt the only world am i right

wondering about the baseline amount of trust i would give to an aquaintance and not to someone close to me who's wronged me? i cant look my sister in the face and have a conversation about any personal but if someone who seemed nice approached me in like a library i would be willing to spill many beans :-)

the same principles dont apply in other locations though i guess

something about people being in pursuit of knowledge makes me trust them in a way which is honestly silly and kind of dangerous